Easy Living

Butch, one of my eBay family members sent this story to me.  A driver is stuck in traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.  Nothing is moving in any direction. Suddenly a man frantically knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks. “What’s happening?  What is holding up the traffic?”

The frantic man answered, “Terrorists have kidnapped the president, Oprah, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Al Sharpton. They are demanding a 10 million dollar ransom. If they don’t get the money they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going car to car taking up a collection.”

The drivers asks, “On average, how much is everyone giving?”

“About a gallon!!!”

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Here I am enjoying the good life.  For the past 25 days the  temperature has been over 100 degrees.  My cattle are dying up before my eyes and the worth of my land is falling almost as fast as King Barry’s poll numbers.  Most  of the time I can get by on 14 hour days, then come home, write my blog and try to paint something to post.  What saddens me very much these days is the dying deer.  I make sure those on my ranch have water, but folks I can’t afford to feed them.  I do good to feel my horses and cattle. Poor Bandit, my dog, mostly eats scraps and as hungry as I am at night his pickins are slim to none.

I know you get tired of me whining about the lack of rain. Seems I’ve been doing that for over two years.  I faithfully check out Weather.com each morning hoping for a break in the heat and maybe a surprise shower.  This morning the website said the next ten days will be mostly 103 with a cool break coming on the 8th day. Then it drops down to 101.

I’ve sold off a bunch of cattle and a few horses to try and weather this heat wave.  You know what’s crazy? Massachusetts has still not had a summer, they are recording record cold. Then there is New Zealand who is having their coldest year since they started keeping records.  Many areas are praying for the rains to stop and we are praying for just a drop.  Several more small ranches have sold out or boarded up their place.  I know two families that have sold off their animals, boarded up their homes and moved to be with their kids or to find a cheaper place to live.  I’m kinda hard headed and will stick it out as long as I can pay my men.  I’m down to the two twins. I let the boy with the broken collar bone and the other kid go.

I miss Mandy, my housekeeper.  She always had something positive to say at night when I sat down to eat.  Sure she stuck her nose in my business, but in some ways she was like a mother.  I miss her culling my women and trying to pick me a new wife.  Even now she is pressing me to marry Cowgirl and I’ll admit I can’t do better.  Mercy, I’d hate to bring a woman into this mess right now.  The government is trying to enact NAIS (National Animal Identification Systems).  It’s uncertain how much these little chips will cost and what all we will have to purchase to install their tracking systems.  Basically it is a GPS for livestock.  They want to be able to track an animal from birth to death in a flash.  This is an over reach of Big Brother. The government can use NAIS to come onto my ranch at anytime and if they think I’m in some violation fine the heck out of me.

I’ve already written about the government wanting to put a gas tax on livestock. They are going to charge us for our animals passing gas.  Like $75 per cow. I think Milk Cows is a $120, I can’t remember the number for sure.

I may write a letter to the governor and see if he will give me permission to kill about half the deer on my place.  It is so sad to find them dead, knowing they died the horrible death of starvation.  One of the twins found two this week.  I have found one, but I know there are many more, because we see the buzzards circling.  There were about 40 deer at one of the water holes and I could count their ribs.  Unless we get rain in the next few weeks  a lot more will die.

I make sure we don’t startle our cattle.  They are dealing with heat stress.  We won’t even move them from one pasture to another at this time.  Thank the Lord I have plenty of shade trees.  My old bulls won’t be able to breed for a few months after the heat passes. Their sperm is worthless.  It’s an easy life.  If I’m lucky, I get to repeat this all over again next year.

Several have asked me to run for office.  The last time I spoke at a TEA Party I was asked to run for the House and help them get rid of our liberal Representative in Washington. It’s very flattering.  But, let’s face a few facts.  I’m 47.  I’m very plain spoken.  I say what I mean and try to mean what I say.  I have no criminal record, but neither do I have a lot of money.  Unless you are willing to be paid under the table you won’t earn very much.  If you know me at all you know I can’t be bought.  That is a disadvantage for someone in Washington. There is more than that.  I’m not married and that will become an issue.  How could I stay unmarried this long?  What about those bar room fights?   Most of them were when I was a young roughneck, but trust me if I were in the public eye all those old boys that I kicked their butt would suddenly be on the six o’clock news telling what a ruffian I am.  I bet there would be a dozen suddenly remembering me knocking out that big old boy at Greuen Hall a couple of years ago.

In case you are new, I was dancing with a sweet thang and when the music stopped I took her to her table and pulled out her chair. Suddenly this monster sized guy charged me from across the dance floor.  I knew he meant trouble, so I cold cocked him as soon as his jaw got in range.  I had no idea she was married. I tipped my hat to her and left before the law arrived.  I didn’t want to spend half the night trying to explain why I hit the guy.  Unfortunately one of the old fiddlers in the band remembered me playing ball and I think he is the one who told the big old boy.  The big old boy and a car load of other big old boys showed up on my ranch.  They were going to beat the stuffings out of me.  Lucky for me I was not at home, but the twins were.  With a 30-30 in their faces they decided to leave a lot faster than when they drove in.  But if I was running for office the big old boy and his buddies would be on television letting the state know things that were not true.  I would have to sell the ranch, because I couldn’t do like the Jr. Senator from Illonios, run for the president while being paid by the Senate.  If I don’t work, I don’t eat.

Besides I don’t like to wear a tie  (smile).

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