Jalapeno HOT!!!

eBay deer and popcorn

This is a Texas deer feeder. It’s so hot the corn popped in the feeder. Look close and you can see the popped corn.   Been trying to tell you folks it’s jalapeno HOT down here.

There is something that happened this week in Washington that most of us will find it difficult to believe, until we stop and remember who our president is. Janet “Nappy” and Barry the President appointed a devout Muslim to a Homeland Security Post.  His name is Arif Alikham and his new title is Assistant Secretary for Policy Development. I find it strange they pointed out he is a devout Muslim. Do you ever hear it pointed out that someone is a devout Catholic, Jew or Protestant?  This little tidbit should make you jalapeno hot.

I got my hands on a personal diary from a guy who moved down here from one of those Northern states.  His entry goes like this:

April 20.   Just arrived in South Texas.  NOW this is living at its finest. The wildflowers are everywhere and the sky is bright blue with balmy evenings. I’m not far from the beach and I am lucky to find a home near Will Cooper’s ranch. He lives in heaven.  AND, No state income tax. Now I know why people are flocking to Texas.

May 20.  It’s starting to heat up. Got up to 100 today, but I’m sure that’s not normal.  Just a high front keeping the heat in. Not a problem, my home is air-conditioned and I drive a new air conditioned pick up truck. What a pleasure to see the sun every morning. I hate do confess it, but I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

June 10.  We have had ten days in a row of temperatures well over 100 degrees. There has not been a drop of rain since I moved here. I decided to Xeriscape my yard. Lots of cactus and rocks. My yard is going to be a piece of cake to take care of. No more mowing and trimming grass. It was another scorcher today, but I LOVE IT!  Best move I’ve ever made.

July 1.  The entire month of June the temperatures never fell below 100. Most days were 104 and above. How do people get used to this heat?  I know they say it’s a dry heat, but come on 105 is hot.  Like all the food you find down here. They can’t even cook bread without adding jalapenos. At least we have an Ocean breeze coming in from the Gulf of Mexico. I guess it’s going to take me a little longer than I had planned to get used to this Texas heat.

July 14.  Fell asleep by the swimming pool.  Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.  Missed three days work.  What a dumb thing for me to do.  I learned my lesson. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 10.  Dang it, I miss Kitty, the cat I brought down here with me. She sneaked into the car when I left this morning for work. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Kitty had died and was ballooned up like a basketball. She popped like a water balloon.  I learned my lesson though. NO more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again!!!

July 25.  The wind sucks. It feels like a giant blow dryer. It’s so hot I can’t breathe. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged me $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30.  Been sleeping outside near the pool for three nights now.  I have a $300,000 home that I can’t even go inside.  Kitty is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

August 4. It’s 115 degrees at 8PM.  Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today for a mere $500. Now at least I can get the temperature down in the house to 90 degrees. I hate this stupid state.

August 8.  If another wise butt asks me, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him.  #@%!X@ Heat!!!  By the time I got to work, the radiator was boiling over, my clothes were soaking wet and I smelled like baked Kitty.

August 9. Tried to run some errands after work.  Wore shorts and when I sat on the car seat, my butt caught on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt and baked cat.

August 10.  I’m convinced now that the weather report is a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.  Doesn’t it ever rain in the @#!&@ State?  Water rationing will be next. My $1,700 worth of cactus has dried up and blown over. Even cactus can’t live in this heat.

August 12.  Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got up to 118 today. Cactus completely dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew out my windshield. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me?  “Hot enough for you today?”   My sister spent $1,500 to bail me out of jail.  @#!&#@% Texas.  What kind of sick demented idiot would want to live here? I’ll let you know how my trial goes.

Have a good night.  Will <><


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